With two days left before the Fourth and a visit from our grandchildren, ages 3 and under, I need gentle, glittery, happy fireworks that cause no hands-over-the-ears or hiding-behind-adult-legs kinds of reactions. No sudden pops, cracks, explosions or even medium-sized poofs.
Just deciding which fireworks stand at which to shop is a major decision. I counted 8 of them today within 10 miles of our house. Assuming that they all carry the basic assortment of fireworks, what beckons me to pull off the road and buy from one and not the other seven?
Pretend you’re in the car with me, seeing the following display of signs and “come-ons,” and you’ll quickly see my dilemma. . .
*JAKE’S FIREWORKS
LOWEST PRICES GUARANTEED! NO SWEAT SHOPPING! (Air conditioning definitely earns some major points on a 91-degree day.)
*CHEAPER THAN JAKES! (How is that possible when Jake said that his prices are guaranteed to be the lowest??)
FREE ITEM W/PURCHASE
2-CENT ROCKETS
*MEGA FIREWORKS!
BUY 1 GET 4 FREE!
*FIREWORKS – 70% OFF
CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED
A thin, 15-foot (give or take a foot) inflatable red firecracker, with yellow billowing fingers and a matching flame coming out of its head, dances in front of the fireworks tent as an energetic supply of air shoots through its body. (Looks like a creature that might pop out from behind a headstone in a cemetery on a dark, misty night.)
*FIREWORKS – MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK!
COMPLETE AERIAL DISPLAY – ONLY $34.95
Uncle Sam raises his inflatable right arm to salute the passing cars in hopes they will experience a wave of patriotism and stop.
And that’s just 5 of the 8 businesses vying for my dollars. How am I to choose? Turned off by the spooky, contorting firecracker, feeling less than patriotic towards the plastic Uncle Sam (who looks more like he’s leaning over than waving), and deciding to avoid the “Jake Price War,” I stop at MEGA.
The lady behind the counter kindly points out the most child-friendly items. I select old-fashioned sparklers, “rainbow” sparklers, a couple of fountains that spray multicolored sparks, “snakes” that grow when lit, and some confetti cones that spew. . . confetti.
“What about the BUY 1 GET 4 FREE deal?” I ask.
She walks around to the front of the counter and motions for me to follow her outside the tent. “You see those vertical letters at the end of the word FREE?" she asks.
“Those are letters?” I say squinting until they come into focus. “ I thought it was an exclamation point.”
“I’m afraid not,” she explains. “It says S E L E C T I O N S. Only a few of the fireworks are part of our selections.”
Lucky for me, at least the confetti cones are in the select few. Paying her the grand total of $7.35, I leave with my bag of mellow fireworks, mentally crossing MEGA off my list for next year. Perhaps I'll brave the freaky firecracker stand or see if Cheaper Than Jakes really is cheaper. What a slice of Americana!
May it be a happy 4th of July, whether you’re an American celebrating it as a holiday, or a citizen of another country, especially my friends in Russia, who are perhaps spending a relaxing day at your dachas.
Great post, mom! I was thinking about getting some fireworks for the kids as well. Thanks for doing the kid-friendly leg work for me. See you soon ...
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